my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
