the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
