I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
