i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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