Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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