I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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