he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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