Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How's work?
Spinning.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
