I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
