Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm determined to sit on that face.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
