Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
