Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
