I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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