my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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