Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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