Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
