The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
