So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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