just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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