Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
