i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
