i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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