he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
