not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
