Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
