have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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