Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
