I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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