apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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