I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
