dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize