when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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