So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
