Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
