I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
