I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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