I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
