So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
