My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
