Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
