Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He did a backflip because drugs
I party with great urgency now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize