Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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