Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
