dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
