Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
