Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My ATM looks so different sober.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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