How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
