I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
