I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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