**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
