Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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