Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
