I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
