dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
