NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I had to cum in my sink.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
