My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize