just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I cut my penus on the lid.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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