I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
