its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need moral support for this bender
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
