so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
