Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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