I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
