Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
