too bad you live with your parents still
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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