so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
