I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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