the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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