i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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